Tuesday November 19th, 2013
I'm feeling too many emotions to pick just one at the moment. Maybe I should have kept my diagnosis to myself. Not from my friends, who have been wonderful. But from my extended family.
Today I was lied to. I was treated as "less than". Because of my autism I was excluded by the very people that should be making an effort to show some support.
I called a family member for her birthday this afternoon. "Have you had a nice day?" I asked. She replied that she'd just pottered in the garden, then cut me off for call waiting. A 30 second phone call, not at all like her. But I accepted this because... family.
In a silly move, she then posted an album of photos from the birthday celebration she had today. Beautiful photos of smiling relatives.
I'm the only one not there.
Not once was the gathering mentioned, before or after the event. Apparently a unanimous decision was made to exclude the Aspie.
Their intentions may well have been honourable. Maybe not wanting to pressure me into driving the long distance and sit among a group at a pub. But that's hardly the point.
I don't know if I'd have gone, had someone thought to invite me. Maybe not. But shouldn't the decision be mine? Just as it was before my diagnosis?
I honestly didn't want my family to treat me any differently because of my Autism. We've gone 34 years without exclusion, starting now is disappointing and painful.
All I wanted was a little understanding.
Saturday November 16th, 2013
4am
Nutrition has been my focus this week. My last depressive episode was quite frightening and I'm desperate to find a way to minimise them. Medication helps of course, and thank god for them! But 1 missed pill and it's down the slippery slope…
My diet talk with E seems to have had an effect. There have been very few problems with getting her to eat well this week. I've also been strict with myself and have found it easier than I anticipated. The incentive of a happy mind works wonders!
The result? E has had an excellent week, with her moods proving very stable. Only when she was very fatigued did she lose the plot. Fatigue… another enemy to us both.
As for me, I've felt energetic, alert and happy! It actually feels a little strange to feel good, obviously I'm used to being lethargic and somber. A sad realisation, indeed.
Of course, every happy tale has a plot twist. I decided to push my newfound nutritional boundaries and have a "junk day". Movie night with the kids seemed the perfect excuse to settle in with some potato chips and a couple of cola's…
An hour ago I startled awake at 3am, feeling like I'd been having a nightmare on repeat all night. Also a dry mouth, splitting headache and aching joints, my feet swollen with fluid. Whoa. Such a sudden and violent change!
I'm still quite frightened by the nightmare, though I've had an hour to recover. Was it a warning from my subconscious to take more care?
Lesson learned: It's up to me to take care of me.
I'm off to refill my water bottle, my poor aching head.
Wednesday November 13th, 2013
It's been a terrible week. Out of nowhere depression hit me smack in the face. Of course, I never get a warning. Much of last week is a blur of napping, crying and watching TV.
I hate when the grey comes. I say The Grey because it's like the whole world suddenly disappears behind a grey filter, like an old black and white movie. The sun's not bright, it hurts to smile. My brain feels foggy and often aches.. it's so tiring, no matter how much I sleep. I have no motivation to see or speak to anyone. It breaks my heart to see the kids avoiding me, they just know when to let me be.
Then for no reason at all, I slowly start to feel more energetic and I start smiling. Depression is a scary beast. Usually I'm grey for a day or 2 at a time, but this time was worse. Almost the whole week.
I'm sure it was some sort of delayed reaction to my recent news, the "happy chemicals" in my brain finally running out of steam. I really hope that's it for a while now.
E had a bad weekend too, with many meltdowns and a day off from school on Monday. She was so exhausted from it all. It's certainly not easy to deal with, especially when I'm in a bad place myself. Her intense emotions seem to be such a problem for her… always spiking and dipping.
I've been trying to focus more on our diets. Surely it has to help our mood swings if our diets are healthier. E has a real issue with junk food, an obsession almost. I'm always trying to feed her with fresh food but she resists. I noticed that during my bad week, I ate a lot of junk food. Maybe that made it worse?
So I've told her that we need to think more about nutrition. I try to get her to realise that she needs to look after herself emotionally, with down-time and resting to minimise meltdowns. We've now talked about how fresh food helps her moods stay level. So far this week, she's making a real effort.
It's going to be a constant learning curve, dealing with our issues. I'm so grateful to J and L. They both endure so much emotional turmoil from E and myself.
I try so hard to minimise how my moods effect them. Not E though! She's not yet at the stage where she grasps empathy.
After a week like this one, I remind myself often to keep my eye on the prize.
The ultimate prize… Happiness.
Sunday November 3rd, 2013.
So, I'm really bad at this journal thing, I forget almost every day. I suppose I've had other things on my mind..
Since my last entry, I've told most of my family about my diagnosis. None of them were surprised, especially my Dad. The discussion opened up a whole new line of communication for us, as we are exactly alike. He shares all my struggles, and issues. And struggle we do.
My Mum was surprisingly supportive. We have clashed so much over the years, her being so extroverted while I'm of course the opposite. I think it was a relief to us both to just understand what I've been facing and why we're so different. Already, she's shown more understanding towards how I feel and what I can cope with. No more constant phone calls after I explained that the ringing phone makes me anxious. She lets me call her when I'm up to talking. And no more unexpected visits, a text first is helpful!
I feel like this relationship will be the one most improved by my revelation.
I told the girls last. We sat them down and prepared myself for questions. Their response?
L: "That's so cool! Just like E!"
E: a small smile, then turned back to watching TV.
Typical kids!
J smiled at me and shrugged.
Does life goes on just as before? Almost. I took my Doc's advice and am putting less pressure on myself to be "normal", by taking social situations at my own pace and being kind to myself. That alone is such a relief! To allow myself to just be Me.
So life is not the same as before, like I thought it would be.
It's a whole new world.
Thursday October 10th, 2013
So. Today has been a huge day in my life. A turning point, if you will. Today, at age 34, I was diagnosed with Autism.
My Doc encouraged me to start a journal, to help organise my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I don't know if this will help much today, since I'm not sure how to feel right now… Numb. Confused. Relieved. Scared. And fragile, just to start.
So far, I've only told my husband, J. I'm not sure how to tell the kids. Even though my little one, E, also has Aspergers, I still have no idea how to tell the girls. I guess in a little while when I'm more comfortable with the news, I'll know what to do?
J has been his usual awesome self. So supportive, so caring. I really struck gold when I met him :)
Then there are the bigger questions.. how do I tell my parents? How do I tell anyone, really. And do I even want to? As I said, confused!
I suppose right now, in this moment, I feel content. I'm sitting on my bed with the ceiling fan whirring above. Listening to music as I dissect my thoughts. And I realise… I'm ok. I now have an explanation for so many things that have confused and inhibited me. I know that I'm meant to be my nerdy self. I have a family that I love, and they love me back, without question.
They're enough answers for now.
Today I was told that I have Autism.
Luckily, I also have so much more.
