It's been a terrible week. Out of nowhere depression hit me smack in the face. Of course, I never get a warning. Much of last week is a blur of napping, crying and watching TV.
I hate when the grey comes. I say The Grey because it's like the whole world suddenly disappears behind a grey filter, like an old black and white movie. The sun's not bright, it hurts to smile. My brain feels foggy and often aches.. it's so tiring, no matter how much I sleep. I have no motivation to see or speak to anyone. It breaks my heart to see the kids avoiding me, they just know when to let me be.
Then for no reason at all, I slowly start to feel more energetic and I start smiling. Depression is a scary beast. Usually I'm grey for a day or 2 at a time, but this time was worse. Almost the whole week.
I'm sure it was some sort of delayed reaction to my recent news, the "happy chemicals" in my brain finally running out of steam. I really hope that's it for a while now.
E had a bad weekend too, with many meltdowns and a day off from school on Monday. She was so exhausted from it all. It's certainly not easy to deal with, especially when I'm in a bad place myself. Her intense emotions seem to be such a problem for her… always spiking and dipping.
I've been trying to focus more on our diets. Surely it has to help our mood swings if our diets are healthier. E has a real issue with junk food, an obsession almost. I'm always trying to feed her with fresh food but she resists. I noticed that during my bad week, I ate a lot of junk food. Maybe that made it worse?
So I've told her that we need to think more about nutrition. I try to get her to realise that she needs to look after herself emotionally, with down-time and resting to minimise meltdowns. We've now talked about how fresh food helps her moods stay level. So far this week, she's making a real effort.
It's going to be a constant learning curve, dealing with our issues. I'm so grateful to J and L. They both endure so much emotional turmoil from E and myself.
I try so hard to minimise how my moods effect them. Not E though! She's not yet at the stage where she grasps empathy.
After a week like this one, I remind myself often to keep my eye on the prize.
The ultimate prize… Happiness.
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